It seems like such a cliché statement when you hear people say, “Everything changed in an instant.” But one minute you are sitting there looking at baby magazines excitedly discussing the future and the next minute you are sitting there listening to the silence of what should be your baby’s heart beating. It was always someone else sitting through that moment. Someone else that you felt bad for but you didn’t truly understand what they were experiencing. I am still processing the fact that this is my moment. How did this become my moment? Why did this become my moment?
I have sat on the fence for awhile about having more children, but last summer God spoke clearly to me that He had a plan and more children were involved. Heath and I were to trust Him in this plan and with much excitement we did. It took longer than we expected but after Thanksgiving we were thrilled to find out God was moving in His timing. At Christmas we surprised our parents and friends as we shared the news. Our kids were thrilled and we were looking forward to our expanded family.
On Tuesday, January 12, 2010, Heath and I went in for our first prenatal appointment. I knew I was around 10 weeks and I was looking forward to the possibility of hearing the heartbeat. My pregnancy had been going well and was much like my other two. The following moments will be burned into my memory forever. Silence. It is amazing how silence can be deafening. When they couldn’t hear it on the dopplar, they moved me to the ultrasound. Silence. No blinking beats. The doctor made us an appointment with a better ultrasound machine but that meant a long wait of wondering, questioning, praying, believing in a miracle, and clinging to God and each other as hard as we could.
On Wednesday, January 13, 2010, at 7:00 p.m. it was confirmed that our sweet baby had joined our Father in heaven. Looking at that video screen and seeing what looked like a perfectly formed baby without the one vital element required to have life, was heartbreaking. That still doesn’t feel like my moment. It was like watching someone else’s moment. The next few minutes I just went through the motions. I got my things together, I listened to the technician, I walked out of the room, I walked to the car. Maybe this moment would end. Maybe this moment was a dream. Sitting in the quiet car, I realized it was my moment. It was Heath’s moment. It was meant to be our moment and we couldn’t change it.
There has been a lot of crying. There has been a lot of pain. There has been a lot of asking why. There has been a lot of emptiness. But there has also been a lot of praising: Praising God in this storm of our life. This was His moment for us. We don’t know why and we don’t want it, but we accept it. He has given us peace. He has given us love. He has given us comfort. And He will give us healing. We cling to Him in our sorrow and I can’t imagine going through this without Him. We know that nothing happens without His approval and even though we don’t understand, we know that His plans are perfect and one day we will meet our precious baby again.
I am still somewhat numb. I am still struggling with my new reality. A sweet friend gave us a Willow Tree angel to display in memory of our baby and every time I see it, I have to remind myself that this is my new reality. I have to start a new perception of what is ahead. It is difficult to move on at the moment as my body has not recognized the death and so has not begun the natural process it should go through. I know when it does happen, it will reopen the wound and intensify the pain, but it will finally be closure. God will carry us through it and we are prepared to face it head on.
We have felt incredibly loved and supported by so many friends and family. We have accepted our moment and will walk into our new reality with our eyes on our Heavenly Father. He will heal our hearts, guide our steps, and in His time, reveal a new direction.
Lord, even in my sorrow, I am praising You. I do not know what all of this means, why it happened, what I am supposed to learn, or what my next step will be. I cry out to You in my pain and know that You hear me and weep with me. Help me to mourn but keep my eyes on You through it all. None of this is a surprise to You. You have a perfect plan that will be revealed in Your time. Thank you for Your love, Your comfort, Your strength, and most of all, Your peace.
In memory of Gabriel meaning “God is my strength”
Introduced into our family on November 30, 2009
Taken home to be with our Heavenly Father on January 13, 2010
Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”
Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Samuel 12:22 – “Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (David after the death of his child with Bathsheba)
