A New Understanding

Almost three weeks ago our world was shifted when we found out our sweet baby Gabriel had left us and gone home to be with the Lord. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster. At times I have wanted to jump from it screaming and at times all I can do is reflect and pray and wait on the Lord. Our friends and family have been wonderful surrounding us with love and comfort through meals, encouraging words, phone calls, emails, cards, and even just their presence.

This whole experience has been quite a learning experience as I have obviously never been through anything like it and I have not had anyone very close to me go through it. My eyes have been opened to how physically and emotionally traumatic a miscarriage can be. I have discovered how many people that I cross paths with regularly have been through one and how it becomes a term that people throw around casually because it is so common. Before this happened to me it was something that I didn’t know much about and probably threw around casually as well, but my eyes have been opened to how deep the pain truly is.

Every person’s story is different and touched them in profound ways. I can only speak from my own personal experience. For me, it wasn’t just the loss of a pregnancy; it was the loss of a life. It was the loss of plans that I had already started making, the loss of hopes, dreams, and prayers. From the time I knew I was pregnant, I was thinking ahead to when he/she would arrive, would it be a boy or a girl, what would he/she look like, what names did we like, how would the kids feel when the baby officially came home, what would our life be like with a new baby, future holidays, on and on. Every night before I went to sleep, I laid my hand on my belly and prayed over the baby for health and for the future. For six weeks after finding out we were pregnant, I carried this precious life inside me and bonded as a mother would with a child. And then suddenly, with no warning, it was over. Our baby had left us and had taken a piece of our hearts with it. The pain was intense and immediate.

After we found out that Gabriel had died, the physical miscarriage lay ahead of us. There was a decision to make as to whether I would allow my body to handle it on its own or to have a procedure called a D&C. We entertained the procedure but in the end, the cost was too high and we decided that God would give me the strength to allow my body to handle it. What lay ahead was 7 days of waiting. Seven days of highs and lows and praying for closure. My parents came into town soon after we heard the news and then my mother stayed with me waiting. This is the part of miscarriage that people that haven’t been through it don’t know about or don’t think about. Beyond the loss of the life of your baby, there is a whole physical side to it. For some it happens immediately, but for us, because we learned there was no heartbeat first, we had to wait and anticipate for days what would come next.

On Thursday, January 21, I physically lost our baby. It was the most excruciating and traumatic thing I have ever been through. For 5 ½ hours I experienced physical pain beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was in bed most of the day as I didn’t sleep much the night before due to the beginning stages of cramping. I was able to get up and shower that night and at that point, the realization of what had happened that morning hit me and I broke down crying. I truly felt empty. Our baby was officially gone.

The days following have been difficult. No longer distracted by the anticipation of the physical miscarriage, the grief has come back to the surface. I have moments where I long for Gabriel so deeply, it physically hurts. I try to distract myself with activities but everything I do is with a gaping hole in my heart. The smallest things trigger thoughts of my pregnancy and bring all my feelings to the surface. I go to bed at night and I want to lay my hand on my belly again and pray for the sweet life inside of me. I wake up in the morning and my thoughts are of the baby. And just as quickly, reality reminds me, Gabriel is not there anymore.

God has been good though. Not once have we questioned His will. Though we do not understand, we accept it and we look ahead with hope. He holds me in His hand when I weep; He wipes my tears, and speaks peace into my heart. One thing I feel He is speaking loudly to me is whether I am going to continue walking in faith or am I going to allow fear to take over. There are times that I feel the fear creeping up in me and I constantly have to remind myself that fear is not of God. He has been speaking to me quietly through His word and music, and I feel a little more healing everyday.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of our sweet Gabriel. My life is forever changed by the short time that I carried him/her. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to love Gabriel so deeply and I will carry him/her in my heart forever. I praise God in this storm of our lives and I know that His will is perfect. I ache for what could have been but I try not to dwell on it. I still feel strongly that children are in our future as I feel that God spoke clearly to me last summer that we are not done. The hope for the future keeps me going and I am keeping my eyes on Him and my ears open to Him so that I may learn through this. Each day is a new day and I do my best to face it head on.

I challenge those of you reading this, if you know someone who has been through the loss of a baby at any stage in pregnancy, or someone you know experiences one in the future, reach out to them in any way that you can. They have experienced a pain or will experience pain that runs deep and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Love them, pray with them, and recognize the part of their hearts that is missing.

Lord, thank you for the strength you give me each day. Thank you for bringing Gabriel into our lives even if for just a moment. We do not fully know or understand your plan but we know you have “…plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Thank you for sending wonderful friends and family to surround us with love and comfort and support. Thank you for being my comfort at times when all I could do was cry out to You. You are a God of love and not of fear and I will continue to follow You in all that I do. Amen

Psalm 34: 1, 8, 15, 17-19 NASB (I read this Psalm as we waited to find out whether Gabriel was alive and it gave me great comfort as it has continued to do since.)

1 I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.
17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.