Proud

I thought it was about time I updated what has been going on with us for the last few weeks. Today is my birthday and Heath and the kids let me sleep a little late this morning and then brought me my present with their cards. Heath and Elizabeth had picked out a new purse for me which I really like. A friend took me to lunch and then Elizabeth and I wandered around Target where I found some new jeans and a new hat. It has been a good day and tonight we will enjoy dinner together as a family. It has been a little bitter sweet as a part of me still longs for what today could have been like had everything continued with my pregnancy, but there has been a great deal of healing and I am so thankful to the Lord for that. Life feels a little more normal but of course there are those difficult moments like when I have to sit in a restaurant next to a very loud woman talking about being big and pregnant this coming summer. It is moments like those that I have to pray and focus on the good things around me. But this post is not about feeling sorry for myself. It is about some very proud moments we have had in the last few weeks.

Most of you know that Caleb joined the level 5 boys team last summer. Well January began our competition season and our first competition was January 24 right here in Houston. I thought when we first started on team that Caleb would get very nervous about competing but he didn't sweat it at all. I think I was more nervous than he was. He did a great job as did all of his teammates and they won 2nd place as a team. He was a little disappointed at the end that he didn't walk away with any individual medals but we explained to him that this is his first year and he just needs to go out and do the best that he can. We have a strong team of boys and it was difficult for him to watch everyone else win something. He got over it quickly and headed into the next competition with determination.
These are the boys lined up for the presentation of teams and the national anthem.

This is a great shot of him on parallel bars!

Swinging up and over on high bars.

I love this shot because it really shows the strength he has!

Team Cypress receiving 2nd place!

This past weekend we had our second competition in San Antonio. We decided to make a weekend of it and travel up Saturday morning and take Caleb to the Alamo and the River Walk. A friend offered to keep Elizabeth and we took her up on it so that Caleb could have some one-on one time with us. It was a beautiful day, albeit a little cool, but great for being outside. The Alamo was pretty crowded but Caleb enjoyed seeing it and we even got to see a reenactment of Texas joining the Civil War.

A teammate and his family went as well and took a picture of us by one of the cannons.

A nice shot of Caleb in front of the Alamo just before the reenactment.

Sunday was the competition and it was quite a long day. We had to be there by 12:30 and we didn't get out until after 6:00. I was very thankful at that moment that Elizabeth was with a friend because she would have gone crazy hanging around all day. But the best part of the whole experience was watching how great Caleb did! He worked so hard and really improved on all the apparatus. His scores went up on everything and he truly looked like he was enjoying himself. When it came time for medals, I was sending prayers up to God that maybe, possibly he could walk away with something. The one score that was his highest and that we knew was a possibility was rings. He had scored a 13.7 and was higher than some of the boys on the team. When they started calling out the medals and they called the boy who scored just higher than Caleb, I started praying harder. They were getting near to the end of the spots for medals and just as they reached the last one, we heard, "And from Cypress, Caleb Lockhart!" We came off the bleachers screaming! I wish I could have caught the look on his face because he was so excited but it all happened so fast!

When it came to medals for All-Around, we were surprised again when they gave medals to all the boys. We did catch that on camera and on video because he lined up right in front of where we were standing. He was so excited to be coming home with two medals! And to top it all off, the team won third place! The coaches chose him to bring home the team trophy because he had worked so hard and brought home his first medals.

We were so proud of how hard he had worked and how determined he was to improve. Just in the couple weeks from the last competition he had mastered some difficult moves in practice and even conquered some in the meet. Just watching him receive his medals made me want to well up and cry because he had worked so hard and he was so happy! We had a long talk with him before the meet that all we wanted was for him to try 100% and do everything he knew how to do. We wanted him to know that it was ok to come home without medals. After he won the medals he came running over and asked if we thought he tried 150%! Yes we did!

We went to dinner with one of his teammates and his family and then headed back to Houston, exhausted but thrilled with a great weekend. This weekend we head to Austin to do it again!

The boys are lined up for the presentation of the teams and the national anthem.

Pommel horse he struggles with a lot (most boys do!) and he started off here. When he saw his score flash on the screen and it was several points higher than the last meet, he was thrilled! I think that was a great confidence booster!

The medal winning performance!

Look at how straight his legs are!

Here he is working towards being parallel with the floor, but he is still showing extraordinary strength!

One of the moves that was added for this meet was going to handstand on parallel bars and then dismounting. He has done surprisingly well at that!

He has swung up on the high bar and is about to start his routine.

I love this picture of Caleb because it is right before his floor routine and he is so casual about it while he listens to his coach. He looks like he's been doing this for years!

He has saluted the judges and he is about to begin his routine.

One of the things Caleb has struggled with this year is his press handstand. He just recently started getting it every once in a while. He nailed it in his floor routine and all his coaches cheered and Coach Tom said when he sat up in his pike position afterward, he had a big grin on his face!

This is a picture of his score after his floor routine. This is how we followed all the boys' scores throughout the meet.

This was Caleb after he got his All-Around medal. I wasn't able to catch his first medal because of where he stood and how fast it happened.

Team Cypress with their third place trophy!

And last but certainly not least, our happy little boy with his two medals and the team trophy!

I have really been enjoying watching all that he has learned and seeing his excitement over his accomplishments. I have also enjoyed the new friendships I have made with the other parents. You get to know each other well, spending time at the gym during the week and hours sitting and cheering on each other's kids on the weekends. We have 4 more competitions this season and I look forward to watching him grow through them all!

A New Understanding

Almost three weeks ago our world was shifted when we found out our sweet baby Gabriel had left us and gone home to be with the Lord. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster. At times I have wanted to jump from it screaming and at times all I can do is reflect and pray and wait on the Lord. Our friends and family have been wonderful surrounding us with love and comfort through meals, encouraging words, phone calls, emails, cards, and even just their presence.

This whole experience has been quite a learning experience as I have obviously never been through anything like it and I have not had anyone very close to me go through it. My eyes have been opened to how physically and emotionally traumatic a miscarriage can be. I have discovered how many people that I cross paths with regularly have been through one and how it becomes a term that people throw around casually because it is so common. Before this happened to me it was something that I didn’t know much about and probably threw around casually as well, but my eyes have been opened to how deep the pain truly is.

Every person’s story is different and touched them in profound ways. I can only speak from my own personal experience. For me, it wasn’t just the loss of a pregnancy; it was the loss of a life. It was the loss of plans that I had already started making, the loss of hopes, dreams, and prayers. From the time I knew I was pregnant, I was thinking ahead to when he/she would arrive, would it be a boy or a girl, what would he/she look like, what names did we like, how would the kids feel when the baby officially came home, what would our life be like with a new baby, future holidays, on and on. Every night before I went to sleep, I laid my hand on my belly and prayed over the baby for health and for the future. For six weeks after finding out we were pregnant, I carried this precious life inside me and bonded as a mother would with a child. And then suddenly, with no warning, it was over. Our baby had left us and had taken a piece of our hearts with it. The pain was intense and immediate.

After we found out that Gabriel had died, the physical miscarriage lay ahead of us. There was a decision to make as to whether I would allow my body to handle it on its own or to have a procedure called a D&C. We entertained the procedure but in the end, the cost was too high and we decided that God would give me the strength to allow my body to handle it. What lay ahead was 7 days of waiting. Seven days of highs and lows and praying for closure. My parents came into town soon after we heard the news and then my mother stayed with me waiting. This is the part of miscarriage that people that haven’t been through it don’t know about or don’t think about. Beyond the loss of the life of your baby, there is a whole physical side to it. For some it happens immediately, but for us, because we learned there was no heartbeat first, we had to wait and anticipate for days what would come next.

On Thursday, January 21, I physically lost our baby. It was the most excruciating and traumatic thing I have ever been through. For 5 ½ hours I experienced physical pain beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was in bed most of the day as I didn’t sleep much the night before due to the beginning stages of cramping. I was able to get up and shower that night and at that point, the realization of what had happened that morning hit me and I broke down crying. I truly felt empty. Our baby was officially gone.

The days following have been difficult. No longer distracted by the anticipation of the physical miscarriage, the grief has come back to the surface. I have moments where I long for Gabriel so deeply, it physically hurts. I try to distract myself with activities but everything I do is with a gaping hole in my heart. The smallest things trigger thoughts of my pregnancy and bring all my feelings to the surface. I go to bed at night and I want to lay my hand on my belly again and pray for the sweet life inside of me. I wake up in the morning and my thoughts are of the baby. And just as quickly, reality reminds me, Gabriel is not there anymore.

God has been good though. Not once have we questioned His will. Though we do not understand, we accept it and we look ahead with hope. He holds me in His hand when I weep; He wipes my tears, and speaks peace into my heart. One thing I feel He is speaking loudly to me is whether I am going to continue walking in faith or am I going to allow fear to take over. There are times that I feel the fear creeping up in me and I constantly have to remind myself that fear is not of God. He has been speaking to me quietly through His word and music, and I feel a little more healing everyday.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of our sweet Gabriel. My life is forever changed by the short time that I carried him/her. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to love Gabriel so deeply and I will carry him/her in my heart forever. I praise God in this storm of our lives and I know that His will is perfect. I ache for what could have been but I try not to dwell on it. I still feel strongly that children are in our future as I feel that God spoke clearly to me last summer that we are not done. The hope for the future keeps me going and I am keeping my eyes on Him and my ears open to Him so that I may learn through this. Each day is a new day and I do my best to face it head on.

I challenge those of you reading this, if you know someone who has been through the loss of a baby at any stage in pregnancy, or someone you know experiences one in the future, reach out to them in any way that you can. They have experienced a pain or will experience pain that runs deep and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Love them, pray with them, and recognize the part of their hearts that is missing.

Lord, thank you for the strength you give me each day. Thank you for bringing Gabriel into our lives even if for just a moment. We do not fully know or understand your plan but we know you have “…plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Thank you for sending wonderful friends and family to surround us with love and comfort and support. Thank you for being my comfort at times when all I could do was cry out to You. You are a God of love and not of fear and I will continue to follow You in all that I do. Amen

Psalm 34: 1, 8, 15, 17-19 NASB (I read this Psalm as we waited to find out whether Gabriel was alive and it gave me great comfort as it has continued to do since.)

1 I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.
17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

My moment

It seems like such a cliché statement when you hear people say, “Everything changed in an instant.” But one minute you are sitting there looking at baby magazines excitedly discussing the future and the next minute you are sitting there listening to the silence of what should be your baby’s heart beating. It was always someone else sitting through that moment. Someone else that you felt bad for but you didn’t truly understand what they were experiencing. I am still processing the fact that this is my moment. How did this become my moment? Why did this become my moment?

I have sat on the fence for awhile about having more children, but last summer God spoke clearly to me that He had a plan and more children were involved. Heath and I were to trust Him in this plan and with much excitement we did. It took longer than we expected but after Thanksgiving we were thrilled to find out God was moving in His timing. At Christmas we surprised our parents and friends as we shared the news. Our kids were thrilled and we were looking forward to our expanded family.

On Tuesday, January 12, 2010, Heath and I went in for our first prenatal appointment. I knew I was around 10 weeks and I was looking forward to the possibility of hearing the heartbeat. My pregnancy had been going well and was much like my other two. The following moments will be burned into my memory forever. Silence. It is amazing how silence can be deafening. When they couldn’t hear it on the dopplar, they moved me to the ultrasound. Silence. No blinking beats. The doctor made us an appointment with a better ultrasound machine but that meant a long wait of wondering, questioning, praying, believing in a miracle, and clinging to God and each other as hard as we could.

On Wednesday, January 13, 2010, at 7:00 p.m. it was confirmed that our sweet baby had joined our Father in heaven. Looking at that video screen and seeing what looked like a perfectly formed baby without the one vital element required to have life, was heartbreaking. That still doesn’t feel like my moment. It was like watching someone else’s moment. The next few minutes I just went through the motions. I got my things together, I listened to the technician, I walked out of the room, I walked to the car. Maybe this moment would end. Maybe this moment was a dream. Sitting in the quiet car, I realized it was my moment. It was Heath’s moment. It was meant to be our moment and we couldn’t change it.

There has been a lot of crying. There has been a lot of pain. There has been a lot of asking why. There has been a lot of emptiness. But there has also been a lot of praising: Praising God in this storm of our life. This was His moment for us. We don’t know why and we don’t want it, but we accept it. He has given us peace. He has given us love. He has given us comfort. And He will give us healing. We cling to Him in our sorrow and I can’t imagine going through this without Him. We know that nothing happens without His approval and even though we don’t understand, we know that His plans are perfect and one day we will meet our precious baby again.

I am still somewhat numb. I am still struggling with my new reality. A sweet friend gave us a Willow Tree angel to display in memory of our baby and every time I see it, I have to remind myself that this is my new reality. I have to start a new perception of what is ahead. It is difficult to move on at the moment as my body has not recognized the death and so has not begun the natural process it should go through. I know when it does happen, it will reopen the wound and intensify the pain, but it will finally be closure. God will carry us through it and we are prepared to face it head on.

We have felt incredibly loved and supported by so many friends and family. We have accepted our moment and will walk into our new reality with our eyes on our Heavenly Father. He will heal our hearts, guide our steps, and in His time, reveal a new direction.

Lord, even in my sorrow, I am praising You. I do not know what all of this means, why it happened, what I am supposed to learn, or what my next step will be. I cry out to You in my pain and know that You hear me and weep with me. Help me to mourn but keep my eyes on You through it all. None of this is a surprise to You. You have a perfect plan that will be revealed in Your time. Thank you for Your love, Your comfort, Your strength, and most of all, Your peace.

In memory of Gabriel meaning “God is my strength”
Introduced into our family on November 30, 2009
Taken home to be with our Heavenly Father on January 13, 2010

Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”
Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Samuel 12:22 – “Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (David after the death of his child with Bathsheba)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanksgiving for us was a great time to enjoy family, to get away, to relax, and to reflect on what we are so thankful for this year. When I had to focus in on what I felt I was most thankful for, it was God's provision and peace. Heath and I started 2009 off with a media fast and it was a great time of connecting together, as well as in our relationship with the Lord. I think it was perfect to get us where we needed to be in the challenges we were going to face. It was a tough year economically and Heath's company took a hard hit. There were times where Heath and I looked at each other and didn't know where the money would come from. But God continually provided what we needed. Most of all, on a personal level, He provided me with an inner peace that brought me through the year in a way that I can only attribute to His presence. Things are improving with the company and there are a lot of things on the horizon that we are really excited about. I don't look back on the year as being a hard or challenging year. I look back on it and see where I have grown in my relationship with Heath, where I have grown personally, but in the forefront of my mind I see where I have grown in my relationship with the Lord. It is so exciting to be in a period of growth and learning and my prayer as I approach the new year is that I keep that a priority.

For Thanksgiving we went to Dallas to join my parents and my brother and his family. My sister Valerie spent Thanksgiving with all of our extended family in Massachusetts. We drove up Wednesday afternoon, my brother joined us Thursday at my mom's house, and then Friday we went to my brother's for the rest of the weekend.

The kids were excited for their cousins, Brice, Ashlyn, and Avery to arrive and once they were together they were off doing their own thing most of the time we were there. While waiting on dinner the boys enjoyed playing football, and the girls were in and out playing all sorts of things that only they seemed to understand.

The weather was great for throwing the football outside. Caleb has really been into football this year, watching it and playing it.

Derek is always the assigned carver of the turkey. Kaley was right there waiting for something to fall. It was sad not seeing Hunter there beside her. At one point Derek almost dropped a piece, but he caught it and she was not happy! He did drop one on purpose after that though!

My parent's house overlooks a lake outside Dallas and there are always great sunsets.

The kids enjoyed playing Uno and watching "A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving".

On Friday morning we headed to my brother's house for the rest of the weekend. He has a big yard with a creek, swingset, and trampoline so the kids were outside most of the time we were there. They came inside everytime they needed a meal! We did spend some time watching the Alabama vs. Auburn game which Alabama made a little too close for comfort! Denise and I did some scrapbooking and Derek and Heath worked on projects outside.

We left Sunday morning so we could take our time going home and not have to get home after dark. I decorated for Christmas before we left so I was very thankful that I didn't have that project waiting for me when I got home. It was a nice warm day and the next day it was going to turn cold so we decided to spend the afternoon outside after we got home. Elizabeth had tried riding Avery's bike without training wheels so she was ready to go for it on her bike. She was a little unsure at first but it was no time before she was riding around the cul-de-sac by herself! I included a video at the bottom.

All in all it was a great long weekend and we are looking forward to the month ahead. I pray that all of you had a great Thanksgiving and were able to reflect on how God has blessed you.

Lego Store and Golf Tournament

Ok so I haven't been the best about keeping my blog up lately. Following this post I have updated events from the last few months.
Caleb earned a trip to the Lego Store after a month long incentive I did with him. One of the areas he needs to work on in gymnastics is his flexibility which is holding him back in other areas. He never wanted to stretch at home so we made a chart to put stars on for working hard at gymnastics and stretching when he wasn't there. He not only earned going, but he could bring a friend and we contributed money for him to buy something. The nearest Lego store is 45 minutes away so he has never been and was very excited. It happened that we could go the weekend Grammy and Grampa came to visit so it made for a fun day.
Caleb's best friend Trevor came with us and he was just as excited. When we first got into the store Caleb spent a lot of time trying to figure out what he wanted. At first he picked out some Star Wars box sets but I convinced him to take advantage of the special things you can only get from the Lego store.
Elizabeth was even excited to be there. She decided to build three minifigures because she always wants to play with Caleb's and sometimes he doesn't exactly want to share. She had fun making girl figures with Grammy! Caleb also ended up making 3 minifigures.
Caleb also decided to do the pick a brick wall where he could fill a bucket with all the bricks he wanted. He wasn't sure about it at first but when he got home he played for hours with them. He was able to get some specialty legos that he wouldn't normally have. Afterwards we had lunch at Burger King and headed home to enjoy some Alabama football and celebrate Heath's birthday.

As many of you know, Caleb is on Team Cypress at Cypress Academy of Gymnastics and will start competing in January. Each year the booster club for gymnastics, GHGF, (Greater Houston Gymnastics Foundation) holds a golf tournament to help raise money to offset the expenses of competition. We spent months getting ready for it, getting sponsors, donations, and golfers, and Monday, November 9th was the big day. My dad was able to play as well as some good friends from church. Heath and I volunteered all day helping with set up, drinks, lunch, the silent auction, and then clean up when it was all over. It was a perfect day weather wise after rain had been forecast, and we had a great time as well as did all the golfers.
Each gymnast had their picture displayed on a table in the clubhouse where the golfers ate. This was Caleb's picture of him on high bar with his coach.
We set up the pictures of all the individual levels of both the girls' team and the boys' team.
This is a picture of the level 5 boys' team with Caleb on the right.
Each golf cart had a picture of a gymnast with some personal information about each kid. We found Caleb's picture and put it in Grampa's golf cart so he knew who he was playing for all day.
This was a picture of all the golf carts lined up ready for the shotgun start at 9:00. We had over 130 golfers there!
This was Grampa practicing on the putting green before it was time to start.
This was our team of golfers: from left to right, my day (aka Grampa), TJ, Kelly, Kyle, and Billy. Kelly and Kyle are friends from church, and TJ is Kelly's son and Billy is Kelly's brother. A portion of the money that they paid to play will help Caleb compete, so they were very special to us and it meant so much that they contributed. Plus they had a great time golfing!
The best part of the whole day was that they won second place after hitting a 55! Kelly also won a golf bag for winning closest to the pin! Any of you out there reading this, we would love for you to join them next year!

Super Hero Night and Halloween

Many of you may remember my post about VBS this summer. If not, you can read here. Well, ever since, the kids have been anticipating the return of the Super Heroes when they defeat Zander Von Zoom. Super Hero night was the Friday before Halloween so the kids were excited all week about the big weekend. We went as soon as Caleb was home from school because they were serving Chick-Fil-A beforehand for dinner and then it was on to the big show.
The kids were wearing their VBS shirts. They could have come in costume but I thought they would enjoy it more if they weren't dragged down by their costumes. Elizabeth did wear her hair like her favorite Super Hero, Zap (the yellow one).

The show was a lot of fun with all the music from VBS and the funny antics of the Super Heroes.

After the show they had more music in the gym and bags of candy and popcorn for the kids. It is always fun when we have a church event at the main campus because we can catch up with friends we don't see very often or even haven't seen in years. We ran into a friend I graduated from college with whom I haven't seen since I was pregnant with Caleb. All in all it was a great night and the kids got in the car saying it was the best night ever!

Of course the next night was Halloween and Elizabeth spent the day asking how much longer until she could put her costume on? Caleb went as a Texans football player and Elizabeth went as Belle from Beauty and the Beast. It was a nice cool night which doesn't often happen for Halloween here and the kids enjoyed hanging out with all their friends from the street.

Before we went out trick-or-treating we went by to see some good friends that wanted to see the kids in their costumes. The kids love Kody and Corby (and so do we!) and it was a treat to go to their house and of course they got the first pick of the candy.

It was a great weekend and now the focus turns to the next holidays!

Oil Ranch and Fun Run

Elizabeth is an animal lover. I have said many times that we just need to live on a farm and she would be in heaven. Our playgroup from church went to the Oil Ranch a few weeks ago and she was totally in her element. It is a working ranch with horseriding, a petting zoo, a hay ride to feed the cows in the pasture, a chance to milk a cow, and a train ride to name a few activities. It was the first cool fall day which made it quite enjoyable. When we got there that morning, she knew that we were there to see animals and she was chomping at the bit (pun intended!) to get inside, but we had to wait for the rest of the group. Once we got inside she didn't want to mess with waiting on the strollers or stopping for pictures. She headed straight for the animals.She was extremely excited to find that they had a donkey. It is one of her favorite animals. We pass one everytime we go to gymnastics and she always has her eyes peeled for him.

We went on the hayride back to the pasture to feed the cows. This is one of my favorite parts because all the cows come running because they know we are going to feed them. Elizabeth loved seeing the cows but did not want to feed them directly.

She also didn't want to milk the cow but certainly wanted to pet it. We saw one of the school kids get pooped on while he was milking it which gave us a chuckle but made us glad it wasn't us.

The highlight of the day was horseback riding. When she saw that she could ride a horse she went straight for it and declared, "I want the biggest one!" Sure enough she got the biggest one and loved it. Later in the day when more of the school kids were heading out we got to do it again. She would have stayed there all day if I had let her!

It was a great day and unfortunately I had somewhere to go that afternoon or I would have stayed longer. I left for a retreat and the following day Caleb had a Fun Run for school which Heath took them too. Each grade runs a certain distance around the track and they give ribbons to all the kids and award the top finishers. Caleb did it last year and had a great time and wanted to do it again this year. The second graders ran half a mile and Caleb did great. Heath said in the final sprint for the finish, Caleb passed a lot of kids. It is a great experience for him to do and know it is not about winning. In the picture below Caleb is the third runner from the left.

We are enjoying the fact the weather has finally become somewhat fall-like. The afternoons are warm but the mornings and evenings are definitely chilly. It makes for lots of great time outdoors! But it is also getting me into the holiday spirit and I am looking forward to the months ahead.