Peace

I have had thoughts stewing in my head for the last couple of weeks and they seem to be starting to come together and make sense. I was thinking more last night and thought maybe I would try to put words to it today. Most of you that read my blog know that I had a miscarriage in January and beyond that you know that we felt God had led us to have another baby. If you don’t know that story you can read here. The first few weeks after the loss, I shed a lot of tears and asked God a lot of questions. I felt the loss to my core and ached to have Gabriel in my arms and not in heaven. My desire to try for another was strong and having to wait for the physical healing of my body seemed like an eternity. I remember lying in bed one night talking to Heath and hearing him say that maybe God doesn’t have plans for us to have another baby and I thought that was preposterous. How could God speak so loudly to me to have another child, take him away, and then not give us another one?

 

One of the things I have prayed constantly about is for God to give me peace. The peace to accept the loss of our child, the peace to wait on Him, the peace to know that He is in control and I am not, and the peace to move on in my life knowing that His plan is perfect. This week came the realization that He has given me that peace. It came quietly and without me realizing it was there. When I was wrapped up in the busyness of my life I didn’t notice it, but when I spent some time praying and in His word, I started making sense of some thoughts that I was having and realized that God had given me a total peace. A total peace that if I don’t ever have another child that I am ok with that. 

 The last couple of weeks I found myself thinking at different times (probably those moments when I was struggling with my kids!) that maybe I didn’t want more children. And then I would think, “Now wait a minute, God laid it on my heart to grow our family. Why would I be turning in the other direction?” Then I would pray for God to show me His will. Are we supposed to have more children or not? I didn’t feel like I was getting a clear answer either way, which was frustrating me because I hate feeling like I can’t make a decision. Then this week I finally linked everything together. God had provided me what I had been praying for. I wanted to be at peace with His will for my life. I wanted to be at peace with having children or not. I wanted to be at peace with losing Gabriel. 

With those thoughts of being content with the children He has given me, I realized I was at peace. Whether I have anymore children I am at peace. With the uncertainty of what the right decision was as far as trying again, God was saying, “Leave it in my hands.” I don’t know what His plan is for us and I don’t know if kids are in that equation, but I am content. I don’t need to be in control. I don’t need to plan out my timetable. Whatever God’s will is I am at peace with it. If God has 1, 2, or 3 more kids planned for us, God’s will be done. If He has none, God’s will be done.

 With the peace of what’s ahead, He also gave me a peace over what has happened. God told us that we were not done and that He had another child for us. Gabriel is that child and despite the fact that we never met him face to face, He is our child and he is forever in our hearts. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him and I feel privileged to call him mine. I feel like he has added to my life and to our family and I look forward to the day that I will meet him in heaven. What a blessing it is to look at such a heartbreak as a privilege! I am so thankful for God speaking to my heart and knowing what I needed to hear. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that the loss of Gabriel drew me closer to my Lord and to my family. I am at peace with my loss and I am at peace with my future and with that comes an unspeakable joy; A joy that gets me up each morning and leads me to thank God for what He has done for me and what He will do in the days ahead. 

 James 1:2-3 ²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Psalm 29:11 The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.