Maximum Horsepower Meet

The last few weeks have been busy with birthdays and spring break so I have not been updating recent events. We had another meet the 20th of March right here in Houston. It wasn't a big meet, just one more chance to get out in front of judges before states which is at the end of April. They didn't give individual awards, just team and they moved through the meet so fast that Heath missed half the events to video Caleb. He was first in the rotation and as soon as the team in front of us finished on the apparatus, they moved Caleb over even though our team hadn't finished. We were done in a little over an hour which is completely out of the norm! The lighting was awful so I didn't get a lot of good pictures but I will include some of the good ones. Overall the team won first place and Caleb did a great job.

I love this shot of the boys during the national anthem. I know I should have been paying attention to the anthem but I couldn't resist taking this picture.

This picture is hard to see but it is actually a great handstand. He is totally aligned with the pole behind him!

This is slightly blurry as I am still learning how to use my camera and get the best quality during action and no use of flash. But nevertheless I thought it was a good shot of him on pommel horse.

This is even blurrier but we talk about the mushroom a lot and I wanted you to see what it is. This is where he does his circles. In a meet he has to do 5 1/2 but until we went to Austin he wasn't hitting it. In the last couple of weeks he has gotten up to 15 in practice!

Here he is up on high bar showing off his strength!

Peace

I have had thoughts stewing in my head for the last couple of weeks and they seem to be starting to come together and make sense. I was thinking more last night and thought maybe I would try to put words to it today. Most of you that read my blog know that I had a miscarriage in January and beyond that you know that we felt God had led us to have another baby. If you don’t know that story you can read here. The first few weeks after the loss, I shed a lot of tears and asked God a lot of questions. I felt the loss to my core and ached to have Gabriel in my arms and not in heaven. My desire to try for another was strong and having to wait for the physical healing of my body seemed like an eternity. I remember lying in bed one night talking to Heath and hearing him say that maybe God doesn’t have plans for us to have another baby and I thought that was preposterous. How could God speak so loudly to me to have another child, take him away, and then not give us another one?

 

One of the things I have prayed constantly about is for God to give me peace. The peace to accept the loss of our child, the peace to wait on Him, the peace to know that He is in control and I am not, and the peace to move on in my life knowing that His plan is perfect. This week came the realization that He has given me that peace. It came quietly and without me realizing it was there. When I was wrapped up in the busyness of my life I didn’t notice it, but when I spent some time praying and in His word, I started making sense of some thoughts that I was having and realized that God had given me a total peace. A total peace that if I don’t ever have another child that I am ok with that. 

 The last couple of weeks I found myself thinking at different times (probably those moments when I was struggling with my kids!) that maybe I didn’t want more children. And then I would think, “Now wait a minute, God laid it on my heart to grow our family. Why would I be turning in the other direction?” Then I would pray for God to show me His will. Are we supposed to have more children or not? I didn’t feel like I was getting a clear answer either way, which was frustrating me because I hate feeling like I can’t make a decision. Then this week I finally linked everything together. God had provided me what I had been praying for. I wanted to be at peace with His will for my life. I wanted to be at peace with having children or not. I wanted to be at peace with losing Gabriel. 

With those thoughts of being content with the children He has given me, I realized I was at peace. Whether I have anymore children I am at peace. With the uncertainty of what the right decision was as far as trying again, God was saying, “Leave it in my hands.” I don’t know what His plan is for us and I don’t know if kids are in that equation, but I am content. I don’t need to be in control. I don’t need to plan out my timetable. Whatever God’s will is I am at peace with it. If God has 1, 2, or 3 more kids planned for us, God’s will be done. If He has none, God’s will be done.

 With the peace of what’s ahead, He also gave me a peace over what has happened. God told us that we were not done and that He had another child for us. Gabriel is that child and despite the fact that we never met him face to face, He is our child and he is forever in our hearts. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him and I feel privileged to call him mine. I feel like he has added to my life and to our family and I look forward to the day that I will meet him in heaven. What a blessing it is to look at such a heartbreak as a privilege! I am so thankful for God speaking to my heart and knowing what I needed to hear. 

I do not know what the future holds, but I do know that the loss of Gabriel drew me closer to my Lord and to my family. I am at peace with my loss and I am at peace with my future and with that comes an unspeakable joy; A joy that gets me up each morning and leads me to thank God for what He has done for me and what He will do in the days ahead. 

 James 1:2-3 ²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Psalm 29:11 The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Family friendly recipes

My friend from high school, Molly, who I have reconnected with on Facebook and follow her blog, has posted a recipe on her blog that we can link our blog back to. What ends up happening is that people who read her blog can link to mine and vice versa. If you are interested in a homemade and healthy pizza, click here. I am looking forward to making it because I have never made my own crust.
Molly went the extra mile and took pictures of her recipes as she made the pizza. Unfortunately I have not had the time to do that but I did include the picture of the final results of one of the recipes that I have included. Both the recipes that I am going to share are favorites in the Lockhart house. They are easy to make and relatively kid-friendly. Not quite as far as homemade pizza dough but easy and tasty.

Sloppy Joe Squares

1 lb of ground beef
1 can of sloppy joe sauce or packet mix
2 cans of 8 crescent rolls
1 cup of grated cheese

I only have to brown one pound of ground beef but if you have a large family or are having company, you may want to double the recipe. Also, the sloppy joe sauce is a personal preference. I usually use Manwich. After the meat is browned and the sauce has been added, open one can of the crescent rolls and spread it across a cookie sheet. Press together the seems. Spread the sloppy joe mix over the crescent rolls and then sprinkle the cheese over the mixture. Take the other crescent rolls and place that on top of the mixture and press the edges together. Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes or until lightly brown. I usually serve it with vegetables or salad.

Mexican Chicken Casserole

2 cups of cooked, diced chicken

1 can green beans

1 can corn

1 can cream of chicken soup

8 oz sour cream

1 cup of shredded cheese

2 tablespoons of taco seasoning

doritos

Sometimes to make this recipe quickly, I use the precooked bags of fajita chicken. Mix all the ingredients together except for the doritos. Crush the Doritos and spread them across the top of the casserole. Cook at 375 degrees for approximately 30 minutes. I serve this with fresh doritos as well because my husband likes to add more for the crunch. This recipe is great to make when you have to bring a meal to someone because it has everything in one dish and it is easy to double if you need a larger amount. 

So there are two recipes seen at the Lockhart dinner table. I actually haven't made them recently so I wouldn't be surprised if my family would be happy to see them soon.  

Where has the time gone?

How is it that my little baby girl is 5 now? She is such a blessing to our lives! Her big smile, her amazing hugs, her love of people and animals, her wild imagination, her individual personality, and the overall spirit about her blesses us everyday! I can't believe she is already 5 and so close to going off to Kindergarten. Of course I have my moments like most mothers do where I need a little break, but I will miss her puttering around the house with me, our trips to the grocery store, Target, and of course lunch dates at Chick-fil-a. I definitely need to soak in the next 6 months before she is off to school.

This year for her birthday she requested another party at Telge Park, her favorite park because of the big red slide. Because her birthday is in February, the weather plays an integral part in the planning. One day it can be snowing (this year anyway) and the next it is 70 degrees. Last year we had her party at the same park and the week before was gorgeous and then a cold front blew through and it was 45 degrees and extremely windy the day of her party. You can read about it here. This year I was careful and watched the weather forecast before sending out a last minute email inviting all her friends. God blessed my patience and the weather was picture perfect. Bright blue skys, 70 degrees, and a light wind. I thought it might be a little chilly because we held it in the morning but we were pealing off our sweaters almost immediately. All the kids arrived and enjoyed running around and playing. I am so thankful that two years in a row Elizabeth has chosen this kind of party because it is so simple and cheap! Needless to say, the party was a huge success and we could have spent the whole day out there!

I think this picture is classic Elizabeth. I was trying to catch her swinging and just as I snapped the shot she made this funny face, crossing her eyes!

If you looked back at last year's post, you would have seen a similar shot of all the kids on the slide except all bundled up!

Elizabeth even requested a homemade cake which is great on the budget! It is a good thing my kids like the cakes I make. It saves a lot of money!

A shot of some of the kids eating cake.

Elizabeth was very excited to get more Barbies and Polly Pockets and here she got a purse with kittens on it. She has carried it everywhere already.

Just before we left, Heath took the kids for a walk back on the trails through the woods. This is Elizabeth and Caleb and the 3 of the Richard girls.

It was a busy February with competitions and birthdays and now we are into March and a week away from spring break and two weeks from Caleb's birthday. We are in the planning stages for that so I'm sure I will be blogging about that soon. Time is flying and I am sure summer will be here before I can blink!

Proud

I thought it was about time I updated what has been going on with us for the last few weeks. Today is my birthday and Heath and the kids let me sleep a little late this morning and then brought me my present with their cards. Heath and Elizabeth had picked out a new purse for me which I really like. A friend took me to lunch and then Elizabeth and I wandered around Target where I found some new jeans and a new hat. It has been a good day and tonight we will enjoy dinner together as a family. It has been a little bitter sweet as a part of me still longs for what today could have been like had everything continued with my pregnancy, but there has been a great deal of healing and I am so thankful to the Lord for that. Life feels a little more normal but of course there are those difficult moments like when I have to sit in a restaurant next to a very loud woman talking about being big and pregnant this coming summer. It is moments like those that I have to pray and focus on the good things around me. But this post is not about feeling sorry for myself. It is about some very proud moments we have had in the last few weeks.

Most of you know that Caleb joined the level 5 boys team last summer. Well January began our competition season and our first competition was January 24 right here in Houston. I thought when we first started on team that Caleb would get very nervous about competing but he didn't sweat it at all. I think I was more nervous than he was. He did a great job as did all of his teammates and they won 2nd place as a team. He was a little disappointed at the end that he didn't walk away with any individual medals but we explained to him that this is his first year and he just needs to go out and do the best that he can. We have a strong team of boys and it was difficult for him to watch everyone else win something. He got over it quickly and headed into the next competition with determination.
These are the boys lined up for the presentation of teams and the national anthem.

This is a great shot of him on parallel bars!

Swinging up and over on high bars.

I love this shot because it really shows the strength he has!

Team Cypress receiving 2nd place!

This past weekend we had our second competition in San Antonio. We decided to make a weekend of it and travel up Saturday morning and take Caleb to the Alamo and the River Walk. A friend offered to keep Elizabeth and we took her up on it so that Caleb could have some one-on one time with us. It was a beautiful day, albeit a little cool, but great for being outside. The Alamo was pretty crowded but Caleb enjoyed seeing it and we even got to see a reenactment of Texas joining the Civil War.

A teammate and his family went as well and took a picture of us by one of the cannons.

A nice shot of Caleb in front of the Alamo just before the reenactment.

Sunday was the competition and it was quite a long day. We had to be there by 12:30 and we didn't get out until after 6:00. I was very thankful at that moment that Elizabeth was with a friend because she would have gone crazy hanging around all day. But the best part of the whole experience was watching how great Caleb did! He worked so hard and really improved on all the apparatus. His scores went up on everything and he truly looked like he was enjoying himself. When it came time for medals, I was sending prayers up to God that maybe, possibly he could walk away with something. The one score that was his highest and that we knew was a possibility was rings. He had scored a 13.7 and was higher than some of the boys on the team. When they started calling out the medals and they called the boy who scored just higher than Caleb, I started praying harder. They were getting near to the end of the spots for medals and just as they reached the last one, we heard, "And from Cypress, Caleb Lockhart!" We came off the bleachers screaming! I wish I could have caught the look on his face because he was so excited but it all happened so fast!

When it came to medals for All-Around, we were surprised again when they gave medals to all the boys. We did catch that on camera and on video because he lined up right in front of where we were standing. He was so excited to be coming home with two medals! And to top it all off, the team won third place! The coaches chose him to bring home the team trophy because he had worked so hard and brought home his first medals.

We were so proud of how hard he had worked and how determined he was to improve. Just in the couple weeks from the last competition he had mastered some difficult moves in practice and even conquered some in the meet. Just watching him receive his medals made me want to well up and cry because he had worked so hard and he was so happy! We had a long talk with him before the meet that all we wanted was for him to try 100% and do everything he knew how to do. We wanted him to know that it was ok to come home without medals. After he won the medals he came running over and asked if we thought he tried 150%! Yes we did!

We went to dinner with one of his teammates and his family and then headed back to Houston, exhausted but thrilled with a great weekend. This weekend we head to Austin to do it again!

The boys are lined up for the presentation of the teams and the national anthem.

Pommel horse he struggles with a lot (most boys do!) and he started off here. When he saw his score flash on the screen and it was several points higher than the last meet, he was thrilled! I think that was a great confidence booster!

The medal winning performance!

Look at how straight his legs are!

Here he is working towards being parallel with the floor, but he is still showing extraordinary strength!

One of the moves that was added for this meet was going to handstand on parallel bars and then dismounting. He has done surprisingly well at that!

He has swung up on the high bar and is about to start his routine.

I love this picture of Caleb because it is right before his floor routine and he is so casual about it while he listens to his coach. He looks like he's been doing this for years!

He has saluted the judges and he is about to begin his routine.

One of the things Caleb has struggled with this year is his press handstand. He just recently started getting it every once in a while. He nailed it in his floor routine and all his coaches cheered and Coach Tom said when he sat up in his pike position afterward, he had a big grin on his face!

This is a picture of his score after his floor routine. This is how we followed all the boys' scores throughout the meet.

This was Caleb after he got his All-Around medal. I wasn't able to catch his first medal because of where he stood and how fast it happened.

Team Cypress with their third place trophy!

And last but certainly not least, our happy little boy with his two medals and the team trophy!

I have really been enjoying watching all that he has learned and seeing his excitement over his accomplishments. I have also enjoyed the new friendships I have made with the other parents. You get to know each other well, spending time at the gym during the week and hours sitting and cheering on each other's kids on the weekends. We have 4 more competitions this season and I look forward to watching him grow through them all!

A New Understanding

Almost three weeks ago our world was shifted when we found out our sweet baby Gabriel had left us and gone home to be with the Lord. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster. At times I have wanted to jump from it screaming and at times all I can do is reflect and pray and wait on the Lord. Our friends and family have been wonderful surrounding us with love and comfort through meals, encouraging words, phone calls, emails, cards, and even just their presence.

This whole experience has been quite a learning experience as I have obviously never been through anything like it and I have not had anyone very close to me go through it. My eyes have been opened to how physically and emotionally traumatic a miscarriage can be. I have discovered how many people that I cross paths with regularly have been through one and how it becomes a term that people throw around casually because it is so common. Before this happened to me it was something that I didn’t know much about and probably threw around casually as well, but my eyes have been opened to how deep the pain truly is.

Every person’s story is different and touched them in profound ways. I can only speak from my own personal experience. For me, it wasn’t just the loss of a pregnancy; it was the loss of a life. It was the loss of plans that I had already started making, the loss of hopes, dreams, and prayers. From the time I knew I was pregnant, I was thinking ahead to when he/she would arrive, would it be a boy or a girl, what would he/she look like, what names did we like, how would the kids feel when the baby officially came home, what would our life be like with a new baby, future holidays, on and on. Every night before I went to sleep, I laid my hand on my belly and prayed over the baby for health and for the future. For six weeks after finding out we were pregnant, I carried this precious life inside me and bonded as a mother would with a child. And then suddenly, with no warning, it was over. Our baby had left us and had taken a piece of our hearts with it. The pain was intense and immediate.

After we found out that Gabriel had died, the physical miscarriage lay ahead of us. There was a decision to make as to whether I would allow my body to handle it on its own or to have a procedure called a D&C. We entertained the procedure but in the end, the cost was too high and we decided that God would give me the strength to allow my body to handle it. What lay ahead was 7 days of waiting. Seven days of highs and lows and praying for closure. My parents came into town soon after we heard the news and then my mother stayed with me waiting. This is the part of miscarriage that people that haven’t been through it don’t know about or don’t think about. Beyond the loss of the life of your baby, there is a whole physical side to it. For some it happens immediately, but for us, because we learned there was no heartbeat first, we had to wait and anticipate for days what would come next.

On Thursday, January 21, I physically lost our baby. It was the most excruciating and traumatic thing I have ever been through. For 5 ½ hours I experienced physical pain beyond anything I have ever experienced. I was in bed most of the day as I didn’t sleep much the night before due to the beginning stages of cramping. I was able to get up and shower that night and at that point, the realization of what had happened that morning hit me and I broke down crying. I truly felt empty. Our baby was officially gone.

The days following have been difficult. No longer distracted by the anticipation of the physical miscarriage, the grief has come back to the surface. I have moments where I long for Gabriel so deeply, it physically hurts. I try to distract myself with activities but everything I do is with a gaping hole in my heart. The smallest things trigger thoughts of my pregnancy and bring all my feelings to the surface. I go to bed at night and I want to lay my hand on my belly again and pray for the sweet life inside of me. I wake up in the morning and my thoughts are of the baby. And just as quickly, reality reminds me, Gabriel is not there anymore.

God has been good though. Not once have we questioned His will. Though we do not understand, we accept it and we look ahead with hope. He holds me in His hand when I weep; He wipes my tears, and speaks peace into my heart. One thing I feel He is speaking loudly to me is whether I am going to continue walking in faith or am I going to allow fear to take over. There are times that I feel the fear creeping up in me and I constantly have to remind myself that fear is not of God. He has been speaking to me quietly through His word and music, and I feel a little more healing everyday.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don’t think of our sweet Gabriel. My life is forever changed by the short time that I carried him/her. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to love Gabriel so deeply and I will carry him/her in my heart forever. I praise God in this storm of our lives and I know that His will is perfect. I ache for what could have been but I try not to dwell on it. I still feel strongly that children are in our future as I feel that God spoke clearly to me last summer that we are not done. The hope for the future keeps me going and I am keeping my eyes on Him and my ears open to Him so that I may learn through this. Each day is a new day and I do my best to face it head on.

I challenge those of you reading this, if you know someone who has been through the loss of a baby at any stage in pregnancy, or someone you know experiences one in the future, reach out to them in any way that you can. They have experienced a pain or will experience pain that runs deep and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. Love them, pray with them, and recognize the part of their hearts that is missing.

Lord, thank you for the strength you give me each day. Thank you for bringing Gabriel into our lives even if for just a moment. We do not fully know or understand your plan but we know you have “…plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11) Thank you for sending wonderful friends and family to surround us with love and comfort and support. Thank you for being my comfort at times when all I could do was cry out to You. You are a God of love and not of fear and I will continue to follow You in all that I do. Amen

Psalm 34: 1, 8, 15, 17-19 NASB (I read this Psalm as we waited to find out whether Gabriel was alive and it gave me great comfort as it has continued to do since.)

1 I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
8 O taste and see that the LORD is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!
15 The eyes of the LORD are toward the righteous
And His ears are open to their cry.
17 The righteous cry, and the LORD hears
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

My moment

It seems like such a cliché statement when you hear people say, “Everything changed in an instant.” But one minute you are sitting there looking at baby magazines excitedly discussing the future and the next minute you are sitting there listening to the silence of what should be your baby’s heart beating. It was always someone else sitting through that moment. Someone else that you felt bad for but you didn’t truly understand what they were experiencing. I am still processing the fact that this is my moment. How did this become my moment? Why did this become my moment?

I have sat on the fence for awhile about having more children, but last summer God spoke clearly to me that He had a plan and more children were involved. Heath and I were to trust Him in this plan and with much excitement we did. It took longer than we expected but after Thanksgiving we were thrilled to find out God was moving in His timing. At Christmas we surprised our parents and friends as we shared the news. Our kids were thrilled and we were looking forward to our expanded family.

On Tuesday, January 12, 2010, Heath and I went in for our first prenatal appointment. I knew I was around 10 weeks and I was looking forward to the possibility of hearing the heartbeat. My pregnancy had been going well and was much like my other two. The following moments will be burned into my memory forever. Silence. It is amazing how silence can be deafening. When they couldn’t hear it on the dopplar, they moved me to the ultrasound. Silence. No blinking beats. The doctor made us an appointment with a better ultrasound machine but that meant a long wait of wondering, questioning, praying, believing in a miracle, and clinging to God and each other as hard as we could.

On Wednesday, January 13, 2010, at 7:00 p.m. it was confirmed that our sweet baby had joined our Father in heaven. Looking at that video screen and seeing what looked like a perfectly formed baby without the one vital element required to have life, was heartbreaking. That still doesn’t feel like my moment. It was like watching someone else’s moment. The next few minutes I just went through the motions. I got my things together, I listened to the technician, I walked out of the room, I walked to the car. Maybe this moment would end. Maybe this moment was a dream. Sitting in the quiet car, I realized it was my moment. It was Heath’s moment. It was meant to be our moment and we couldn’t change it.

There has been a lot of crying. There has been a lot of pain. There has been a lot of asking why. There has been a lot of emptiness. But there has also been a lot of praising: Praising God in this storm of our life. This was His moment for us. We don’t know why and we don’t want it, but we accept it. He has given us peace. He has given us love. He has given us comfort. And He will give us healing. We cling to Him in our sorrow and I can’t imagine going through this without Him. We know that nothing happens without His approval and even though we don’t understand, we know that His plans are perfect and one day we will meet our precious baby again.

I am still somewhat numb. I am still struggling with my new reality. A sweet friend gave us a Willow Tree angel to display in memory of our baby and every time I see it, I have to remind myself that this is my new reality. I have to start a new perception of what is ahead. It is difficult to move on at the moment as my body has not recognized the death and so has not begun the natural process it should go through. I know when it does happen, it will reopen the wound and intensify the pain, but it will finally be closure. God will carry us through it and we are prepared to face it head on.

We have felt incredibly loved and supported by so many friends and family. We have accepted our moment and will walk into our new reality with our eyes on our Heavenly Father. He will heal our hearts, guide our steps, and in His time, reveal a new direction.

Lord, even in my sorrow, I am praising You. I do not know what all of this means, why it happened, what I am supposed to learn, or what my next step will be. I cry out to You in my pain and know that You hear me and weep with me. Help me to mourn but keep my eyes on You through it all. None of this is a surprise to You. You have a perfect plan that will be revealed in Your time. Thank you for Your love, Your comfort, Your strength, and most of all, Your peace.

In memory of Gabriel meaning “God is my strength”
Introduced into our family on November 30, 2009
Taken home to be with our Heavenly Father on January 13, 2010

Jeremiah 1:5 – “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”
Psalm 139:15-16 “My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.”
2 Samuel 12:22 – “Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.” (David after the death of his child with Bathsheba)